Log in

No account? Create an account
Posted on 2009.09.16 at 19:46
Lately I haven't felt like myself. I don't feel like myself around Joey and that's where I've spent most of my time, or in class where it's the same. I guess this isn't a big deal, or doesn't need to be.

so last night I got high. really high. I haven't been high in a long time because I just haven't had time to sit down and be high, and I had forgotten that when I don't smoke for a while and then get high it really sends me into overdrive. My most functional is when I smoke every few days, so not on a constant binge but not when I could pass a piss test. Things felt much more rich and I felt like my brain was back in my body. does that make sense? and it seems strange and a little fucked up that my personality is hinged to smoking weed. but it is.

Weed has off-and-on been a self-medication for me, whether I liked it or not. I don't like prescriptions and I don't like taking drugs to regulate myself, but in the past few months I've thought about seeing a psychiatrist and just getting on some pills so I wouldn't be in the rut that I end up in so often. So last night I made my peace with the idea of just smoking at regular intervals as, openly, self-medicating. Do I need it? Not really. But I think I would like it better.

I've never liked being the gay guy. It bugs me that people think that of me and it bugs me more when I look at myself and see why they do. And in the same way it's been for years I'm trying to man it up. I mean watching how I phrase shit or what I wear or how I walk. You wonder where the line is between faking yourself and creating yourself, right? Because I don't really know and I think it's an opinion thing so it really doesn't matter in the end.

Conveniently enough, once I was high I wanted to clean.

Posted on 2009.07.18 at 05:44
I'm in a hotel room in west virginia with my parents on the way to my cousin's wedding. They both snore. loudly. It's like incredibly distorted bass. I can't sleep.

Instead I'm fantasizing about working myself into harry potter, and wondering why I don't write fan fiction. (or slash, knowing me)

so I told mom and dad that I quit Hepburns and now work at a bowling alley which works with my grand scheme about lying about everything I do. Boohoo yadda yadda. I also told them about the Hans Fahrmeyer shoot. (told them he contacted me on Modelmayhem...lol) because of course they were curious and then mom sorta gave me a funny look when I responded to her question "what kind of portraiture do you want to do" with "interesting portraits of all kinds" because apparently she thought they were sending me to get a BFA in taking yearbook pictures. lol.

really nothing is new or important. I'm seeing this Adam kid when I get home and I spent a lot of time with him last week so I guess that might be, but it's too soon yet to tell. He's certainly sweet and fun, t hough, and we might trip if I can get my hands on it, too.

well I stole the car keys so I'm going to get a burger.

Posted on 2009.02.19 at 01:40
You just never know what to expect, yeah?

Glenda FTW

Posted on 2008.07.07 at 14:08
so mom walked into the t.v. room yesterday at granny's, and I was kneeling on the floor and resting my elbows on the stool because we ran out of chairs. She says
"You never stayed on your knees that long in church!"

Posted on 2008.06.08 at 23:27
I don't care, it doesn't matter.




It seems there is little to be done, but let's do what we can? Medhi faces torture and capital punishment if he returns home- for being gay.

Posted on 2008.01.12 at 22:47
Dear Peta,
    you remind me why people look at me funny when I say I'm vegetarian. Maybe you guys should stop being such dicks.

Posted on 2007.02.05 at 16:14
Current Music: special d
It may just be impossible to describe how amazing this month has been.

I wouldn't know a limit if I crashed into it. I really wouldn't.

Posted on 2007.01.21 at 13:44
Current Mood: IT'S SNOWIN
"Atticus! Atticus! The sky is falling!"

Posted on 2007.01.04 at 22:38
Current Mood: friggin' spankin'!
Current Music: Cell Block Tango
    Over Winter Break I came to the conclusion that I am thoroughly dissatisfied with the way I have been handling events this year. I view myself as a different type of the person than I have been acting; perhaps the self-image that I acquired at CTY didn't change, but my behavior did. Irregardless, I want to get back to that.
    And perhaps I have already begun. There has been a marked alteration in my behavior; I'm no longer staying in the third row in ballet, where, I get two more tries to get the routine right, but in the first I afford myself the chance to be seen and this recieve more constructive criticism, and to observe myself better. I have not be so nonchalant about whatever goes on. I think that I've assumed control in a greaet many more areas of my life. I am being far more disciplined about homework. I even studied for two upcoming tests. (No, really, that's an accomplishment)
    What I've noticed before is that I tend to feel most comfortable in the impossible situation, where I cannot take risks for the fact that I am aware of a situations impossibility. I'm not going to do that to myself any longer. Take for example, relationships. Developing feelings for older boys knowing that I am out of their "age range,"  not calling them even though I know they want me to. Justifying that "he's at work," "he's out," but why not take the chance or leave a message, you know? I don't want to do that. Obviously there is no satisfaction from being "safe."
    Or models, suggesting that someone model for me and leaving it at that because i have such minimal time. I'll make the time, I'll get the shoot down. No sweat.

    and in interests of school, I'm going to get some sleep (an impossible situation!) so that I can stay awake through all seven classes (even more so!)

Previous 10